1.) A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
2.) How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
3.) Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
4.) Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
5.) Scratch a dog or rub a cat and you'll find a permanent job.
6.) There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m. ... It could be a RIGHT number.
7.) Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
8.) The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
9.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
10.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
11.) There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
12.) People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
13.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
14.) No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14.) When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
16.) Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
17.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
18.) Never lick a steak knife.
19.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
20.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.