NAP- Neighborhood Alliance of Pawtucket

St Patrick's Day and Irish Humor- Parade- March 5th- Pawtucket

Dennis O’Mann and Little Blarney add a bit of green spirit to Pawtucket’s St. Patrick’s Day parade, which coursed through downtown Saturday and ended at City Hall.

The Providence Journal / Sandor Bodo

Jokes for the Parade, ST PATS DAY AND EVERYDAY

An Irish Blessing

May Those who Love us, Love us
And to Those who don’t Love us

May God turn your Hearts
And if He doesn’t turn your Hearts

May He turn Your ankle
So we’ll know you by Your limping
.....................

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland “ The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The McGinley twins are drunk again."






HAPPY SAINT PATTY'S DAY!!!!


...........
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important
>>meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
>>
>>Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
>>parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life
and
>>give up me Irish Whiskey".
>>
>>Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
>>
>Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
......................
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
>>
>>"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
against
>>the
>>wall," said the priest.
>>
>>Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
to
>>heaven?
>>
>>O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
>>
>>The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you
>>die you don't want to go to heaven?"
>>
>>O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group
>>together to go right now."
>>
>>++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>>
>>O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time
he'd
>>been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began
to
>>bother him and he went to confession to repent.
>>
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>>Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the
traffic
>>cop
>>on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
>>shouted,
>>"Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done
this
>>several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
>>
>>After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
went
>>over
>>to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
>>
>>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>>
>>Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the
>>obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
>>Finney.
>>
>>"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
>>
>>"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
>>
>>+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
>>
>>An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding
>>in
>>Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and
>>then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir,
>>have
>>you been drinking?"
>>
>>"Just water," says the priest.
>>
>>The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
>>
>>The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"
............
A GUIDE FOR YOU FOR ST PATRICK'S DAY
IRISH BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM CAUSE CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet Glass Being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling
Feet warm and wet Improper Bladder Control Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training
Beer unusually pale and tasteless a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite Get someone to buy you another beer
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes You have fallen forward See above
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror
Floor Blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer
Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar
Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside
Everyone looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on someone cushy-looking
Beer is crystal-clear It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup You're in the ladies' room Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk a. You're in jail

b. You're in the navy Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps You're in a gay bar Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs
Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves
Don't remember the words to the song Beer is just right Play air guitar

Blessing

May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. The rain falls soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.


-Irish blessing

Irish humor and the Barcack Obama Irish Lyrics

No one as Irish as Barack OBama



O'Leary, O'Reilly, O'Hare and O'Hara
There's no one as Irish as Barack O'Bama

You don't believe me, I hear you say
But Barack's as Irish, as was JFK
His granddaddy's daddy came from Moneygall
A small Irish village, well known to you all

Toor a loo, toor a loo, toor a loo, toor a lama
There's no one as Irish As Barack O'Bama

He's as Irish as bacon and cabbage and stew
He's Hawaiian he's Kenyan American too
He’s in the white house, He took his chance
Now let’s see Barack do Riverdance

Toor a loo, toor a loo, toor a loo, toor a lama
There's no one as Irish As Barack O'Bama

From Kerry and cork to old Donegal
Let’s hear it for Barack from old moneygall
From the lakes if Killarney to old Connemara
There’s no one as Irish as Barack O’Bama

O'Leary, O'Reilly, O'Hare and O'Hara
There's no one as Irish as Barack O'Bama
From the old blarney stone to the great hill of Tara
There's no one as Irish as Barack O'Bama

2008 the white house is green, their cheering in Mayo and in Skibereen.
The Irish in Kenya, and in Yokahama,
Are cheering for President Barack O’Bama

O'Leary, O'Reilly, O'Hare and O'Hara
There's no one as Irish as Barack O'Bama

The Hockey Moms gone, and so is McCain
They are cheering in Texas and in Borrisokane,

In Moneygall town, the greatest of drama, for our Famous president Barack o Bama

Toor a loo, toor a loo, toor a loo, toor a lama
There's no one as Irish As Barack O'Bama

The great Stephen Neill, a great man of God,
He proved that Barack was from the Auld Sod
They came by bus and they came by car, to celebrate Barack in Ollie Hayes’s Bar

O'Leary, O'Reilly, O'Hare and O'Hara
There's no one as Irish as Barack O'Bama



By

Hardy Drew

///////////////////////////
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



**********************************************************************



Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.

"I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda ... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."



*******************************************************************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.

My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.

Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'



*********************************************************************


His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

*********************************************************************

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

*********************************************************************


"Hey Patrick, do I hear you spitting in the vase on the mantelpiece?”

"No, Nora, but I'm getting closer all the time!"


*********************************************************************


Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk!!


*********************************************************************


Mike lay dying on his bed when his wife Brigid came in to him and asked if there was anything he wanted.

Mike said "Brigid, what is that delicious smell coming from the kitchen?"

And Brigid replied "Oh Mike that is a ham I am baking."

Mike thought, and said "Brigid, as my dying wish I would love to have some of that ham you're cooking."

Then Brigid said "Oh Mike, I'm saving that for the wake !!"


**********************************************************************


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy.

"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

*********************************************************************


"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant ?"

"No, what good is it ?"

"Well if you use it, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from!"


*********************************************************************


An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him.

St. Peter takes one look and says "I don't think you can get in here.

The IRA man says "Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!


*********************************************************************


"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.


*********************************************************************


Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish.


*********************************************************************


Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.


*********************************************************************


What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.


*********************************************************************


How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.


*********************************************************************


Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.

"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."


*********************************************************************


Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."

"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."


*********************************************************************


Seamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."

"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"


*********************************************************************


Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."

*********************************************************************


Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals.

A porter came up with an idea. "Why don't we leave the last coach off!"


*********************************************************************


"Well, Mike," said the doctor. "I can't quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink."

"Sure, that's all right, doctor," said Mike. "I know how you feel. I'll come back when you're sober."


*********************************************************************


She followed her husband to the public house.

"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"

"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."


*********************************************************************


Why does it take five Irishmen to change a lightbulb?
One to change the bulb. Four to remark about how grand the old bulb was.


*********************************************************************


"I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"

"No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."


*********************************************************************


First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"

First Irish Farmer: "No, in the head."


*********************************************************************


O'Connell was staggering home with a small Paddy in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"


*********************************************************************


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!” says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.


*********************************************************************


AND THE BEST FOR LAST



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
..............
ERIN GO BRAGH

...............
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
--------

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
----

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of

having a worthy opponent.

------------------------

An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

------

Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.

-----

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

----

Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."



---------------

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"

"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."



-

Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A. A bachelor.



--

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
...........

"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

-
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

Pawtucket first, W Warwick 2nd, Newport 3rd Parades in RI

Pawtucket
West Warwick
Newport