NAP- Neighborhood Alliance of Pawtucket

Reality and Senior Humor

8 Idiot Awards

Number One Idiot of 2003

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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Number Two Idiot of 2003

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out
of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the
river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency
locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are
no longer employed at Boeing.
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2003

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a
downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz
a stikkup.
Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup
note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting
in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read
it anyway.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2003


A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it
in th e bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I
don't believe you are over 21.
"The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it
to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took
his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The
clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got o ff the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2003

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't
need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2003

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems
the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event
was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Eight of 2003

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a
man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M.,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When
the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast.

The man, frustrated, walked away.

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote
(and breed).


Scary, isn't it?!

Rambling Retiree

Ramblings of a Retired Mind - some thoughts.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't
afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands
on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you
still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to
bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call
it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your
chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh,
have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for
company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in
case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just
put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look
for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them
while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were
cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades
on the curve.

Retiree Occupation & Perks

ENJOYING RETIREMENT!!!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there
for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a town cop writing out a
parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a
break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket I called him a
Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a piece of horse manure He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes.. the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote. I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the
corner.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important
at my age.
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TWENTY PERKS


Don't laugh.....it is all true...Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or worse!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14.Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. You notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.


Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

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