Stonewood

Laugh Out Loud

Actual Air Force Maintenance

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air
Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for
maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto land very rough."
Solution: "Auto land not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm
descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Quick Animal Jokes

Q: What's got four legs and one arm?
A: A Pit Bull.

Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?
A: Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.

Q: What do you call bears with no ears?
A: B.


How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?


Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink
whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em?"


I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.

Points To Ponder

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Do witches run spell checkers?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor if you can't drink and
drive?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats and not a parachute?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
If 7-11's are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
the doors?
If a cow laughs really hard does milk come out of its nose?
What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height
which would hit the ground first?
If you're driving at the speed of light what would happen if you turned on
the headlights?
Why does anyone bother phoning a psychic hotline... If they are really
psychic shouldn't they be calling you?
Why are there Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-thru ATM?
Why do we drive on "parkways" and park on "driveways"?
Why is it that when you transport something by a car it's called a shipment
and when you transport something by a ship, it's called cargo?
Why is an orange orange but a banana is yellow?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of the same substance as the
indestructable black box have in them?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address you turn down
the volume on the radio?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all close together?
Why do people keep saying it's such a small world... I wouldn't want to
paint it.
Why is it when you buy a parakeet at the pet store you only get one?
When they ship styrofoam...what do they pack it in?
Why do they call them jumbo shrimps?
Why is chili so hot?
If fish spend their entire lives in schools why are they so stupid?
Why do they have an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do they call it "tennis"? Shouldn't it be "twonis" or sometimes
"fournis"?
Why do they call a single T.V. a set?
Why do irons have a permanent press setting?
Why does my AM radio work in the afternoon?
If vegetarians eat only vegetables what do humanitarians eat?
Why does the word blind have an 'i' in it?
Why do free agent baseball players cost so much?
Do you have to live in a small country to enjoy cross country skiing?
How young can you be and still die of old age?
If you break a mirror and get get seven years bad luck, could a good lawyer
get you off in five?
Why do wiseguy and wiseman have opposite meanings?
Why isn't room temperature just whatever the temperature of the room is?
How much deeper would the ocean be if there weren't sponges living in it?
Why isn't the fattest man in the world a hockey goalie?
If God dropped acid would he see people?
Why are highways built so close to the ground?
If olive oil is made from olives what is baby oil made from?
If a fire fighter fights fires, what does a freedom fighter fight?
How come your nose runs and your feet smell?
How come you chop a tree down and then chop it up?
What is the speed of dark?
How come a woman can man a workstation but a man can't woman one?
Why do they call it rebooting the computer when kicking is not involved?
Why do they call them a backyard when most are more than 3 feet long?
Why does life insurance only pay off if you die?
Why do they call them buildings when they are already built?
Why do you pay tolls on a freeway?
If men get hernias, do women get hisnias?
Why do kamikaze pilots where helmets?
Who puts the "Thin Ice" sign out there?
If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
Why don't dry beers make you thirsty after drinking them?
Why don't most people work on Labor Day?
Why does a rabbit bring easter eggs and not a chicken?
Why is it called tourist season if you can't hunt them?
Why is a rabbit's foot considered good luck when it doesn't bring much luck
to the rabbit?
Why do they call them hamburgers when they are made of beef?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do they call them a pair of pants when you are really only wearing one?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why is the President's wife the First Lady and not Eve?
Why do women wear one bra but a pair of panties?
How much aging time would they save if they made wine out of raisins instead
of grapes?
Do cows believe that all Hindus are sacred?
If you fart in a baking soda factory can anyone smell it?
What do batteries run on?
Do most hockey players prefer ice beer?
Why do they make ballerina dance on their toes? Why not just hire taller
ballerinas?
Why is a 'W' a 'double-U' and not a 'double-V'?
Why does common sense seem so rare?
Why do they always call Wednesday 'Hump Day' when most people get it on the
weekend?
Why do they call it a wake when no one ever wakes up?
Why do they call them runways at airports and not flyways?
Why are they called 'hot water heaters'? Hot water is already hot and
doesn't need heating.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still
grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights
off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why is a waiter called a "waiter", when the customer is the one that
actually waits?
If a man is talking in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
If you laid all the people on earth end to end and they circled the globe,
who would be on top?
Why can’t women not use a map without turning the map to correspond to the
direction that they are heading?
Why does the man who says it can't be done always interrupt the woman doing
it?
If bankers can count, why do they have eight windows and only four tellers?
What was going through the mind of the first person ever to pull on a cow's
udder?
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?
You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else?"
Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what
time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my disk?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already
know you don't have?
How come when I call information they can't tell me where my keys are?
Why do people go to Burger King and order a Double Whopper with a Large
French Fries and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi
driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other
trees make fun of it?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? It
sounds like a near hit to me!
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's baby because
he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of
everything outdoors?
If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
How do "Keep Off The Grass" signs get where they are?
If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be
"hice"?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to
just hire taller dancers?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you
only think that you're thinking.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not
adoor?