Muscatine

> ''Be Very Quiet''
>
> Father and son went hunting together for the first time.
>
> The father said: ''Stay here and be very QUIET.
>
> I'll be across the field.''
>
> A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling Scream and ran back to
> his son. ''Wh at's wrong?'' the father
>
> Asked. ''I told you to be quiet.''
>
> The boy, bless his heart, answered;
>
> ''Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
>
> I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
>
> I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
>
> I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
>
> I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
>
>
> I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.
>
> But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
>
> 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'
>
> '' Well, I guess I just panicked ''
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Flying
>
>
> During a commercial airline flight, a Navy Pilot was seated next to a young
> mother with a babe in ar m s.
>
> When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began
> nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
>
>
>
> The pilot pretended not to notice, and upon debarking, he gallantly offered
> his assistance with the various baby-related baggage.
>
>
>
> When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,
>
> ''Gosh, that's a good looking baby.....and he sure was hungry.''
>
>
>
> Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said the
> nursing would alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
>
>
>
> The Navy Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion, exclaimed,
>
>
>
> ''Damn!!! And all these years I've been chewing gum.''

Religious joke-

An engineer died and ended up in Hell.

He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements.

After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators.

Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him,

''So, how's it going down there in Hell?''

Satan replied,

''Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.''

God was surprised,

''What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.''

''No way,''

replied Satan.

''I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him.''

God threatened,

''Send him back up here now or I'll sue!''

Satan laughed and answered,

''Yeah, right.

And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?''