Muscatine

Dear Pagan Troll,

This year, I have been a very Ritalin-addled little TV watcher. I have compulsively lied, and I have never helped my other daddy with their pyramid schemes. And I always say thank you, which makes me seem like I care, and so I deserve lots of presents this year!

Please bring all this stuff for me and the people in my life: For my mommy, please bring fruit leather panties. For my daddy, please bring a new Rogaine prescription. For my big sister, please bring a diaphragm. For my ferret, please bring non-surgical sterilization. Oh ?– and for my case worker, please bring some work ethic.

Now about me! Please bring me all of the Anna Nicole Smith beer coozies, and front row tickets to Britney Spears ?– plus backstage passes so I can get coked up! Oh, and please don?’t forget to bring my Lamborghini Diablo VT 6.0. But if you can?’t, just remember that more than anything Santa, what I really really want is just $100,000,000!

Anyway, I hope you like the cognac I left out for you.

Breathlessly,

Hannitized

PS: Please say hello to Ralph, the heartless Elfin slavemaster.

PPS: Oh yeah, and remember nedl? He has been a really great guy all year long and doesn?’t deserve any crappy Christmas presents. So please don?’t forget to put lots of cash in nedl's stocking. Thanks!

Gee Hannitized

Thanks for sending me a copy of your letter to Santa. I gotta go. I'm tearing up. (Sniff).

Santa

Dear Santa,

Mr. David Salek decided to ghost write you a letter in an attempt to taunt me into responding to his weak, underhanded, and bitter plagerisms he cuts and pastes her on the Neighborhood link.

I know you don't exist Santa. You're a pure prevarication that is drummed into us beginning at the earliest stages of our life only to find out later you were nothing more than a bald face lie perpetuated upon us by the likes of Mr. Salek. As the old saying goes, lies begat lies.

Personally, I would have preferred to have known the truth about life; rather than being played a fool with the insanity of a fat man in a red suit who climbs down chimneys to leave gifts or the stories of huge bunny rabbits who leave colored eggs and candy in baskets.

I prefer to know the real meaning of Christmas. I prefer to know that Christ was a flesh and blood human being. I'm not talking of the falacies of turning water into wine, giving sight to the blind, or walking on water. I'm talking about the truth of the Gospels being altered by the Jesuits, the Vatican and by King James in order people would believe what they wanted them to believe; and which they still believe today. Yes, yes, I know Santa, they're called Republicans.

I prefer to understand that Christ was a mortal; subject to the same sins as his father. Maybe you can explain to me how a supposed professed virgin becomes pregnant without copulation? I choose to believe that if God is the Creator of all man, who then, is the Creator of God? I lavish the choice to believe Christ laid down with his disciples and quite possibly dabbled in homosexual trysts and sought out carnal delights with prostitutes. I want the freedom to enterpret the Gospel as I see fit without the likes of Mr. Salek attempting to nail lifts to my feet with his beliefs.

Here's how it is Santa, persons such as Nedl Salek will go about their day preaching their gospel, reminding themselves and everyone within earshot what good Christians they are while besmirching those whose beliefs they don't share. They'll be the first to tell you what the Good Book says and in the same breath, pull a dagger and plunge it into your beliefs. Good Christians? Why would good Christians attack their neighbors as liars and then spread lies themselves to little children about you, the tooth fairy, and the Easter Bunny? Jewish people don't tell their children these lies. Muslims don't tell these type of lies to their children. So tell me Santa, why are you all inclusive to the white, anglo-saxons? Why the need to utilize fiction, rather than truth, in raising children?

I'm certain Mr. Nedl Salek will respond with a request for you to leave a lump of coal in my stocking similar to the lump you'll find in the bottom of his briefs. Actually Santa if you do exist, it would be my wish for you leaving condoms in the stockings of those old enough to understand copulation since the lies children are being told at home most likely don't address abstention.

Thanks for hearing me out Santa. I know you don't exist, but I know there are those here who seem to believe you do.

Hi Santa

Hi Santa! (shh...between you & me),
(I don't know these guys)! They have some kind of agenda that I ''don't get''. I'm an innocent! :)! What I do know is this.
I BELIEVE IN YOU, SANTA! I really DO! I'm a nice person & try really hard. So, (instead of giving that nedl guy the $100,000,000 dollars...could you give it to me)? I'll try really, really hard to divide it amongst the needy. (HONEST, Santa!). (They won't know...too busy getting after each other!).
Love...your faithful, kind & GIVING friend, Santa. (YOU ARE MY HERO!).