Muscatine

Women who can answer ''yes'' to five or more
of these questions should consider carefully
before accepting a proposal of marriage.

* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early
so you could help with his laundry?

* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think
to call the local adult bookstore?

* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode
of ''Gilligan's Island'' at least four times?

* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a
mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?

* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every
table has its own stack of ketchup packets?

* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?

* Does the label on his deodorant include the
phrase ''Industrial Strength?''

* Has he memorized the telephone number of at
least one bail-bondsman?

Sh!t. I guess I'm out of the running.

MEN-RECONSIDER-

Men who can answer ''yes'' to five or more of these
questions should consider carefully before proposing
marriage.

* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as
''that square thing?''

* Does she use the phrase ''you know'' more than twice
per sentence?

* Is she making monthly payments of more than
$300 to a plastic surgeon.

* Have you noticed her name tattooed on three or
more local bikers?

* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names
tattooed on her?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making
talents to an old boyfriend's?

* Does she regularly compare your love-making
talents to the Green Bay Packers?

* Does she have a wholesale source for
Deodorant-in-a-Drum?

* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?

* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell
the word sex?

* Does her resume include a six-year stint at
Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights?