NAP- Neighborhood Alliance of Pawtucket

Courts, Crime and Police Humor

Classic s, Training, Reliefs and Sight

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; The three stood before him, all arrested on
the same corner. He asked the first *lady* what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second *lady* and
requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said,
"Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac.
Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible, Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."
.....................
Classic Quotes
------------------
The officer pulled him over for speeding. He explained that he was rushing home to be with his wife on their first anniversary.
But rather than letting him off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to him, and said,
"Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?"

................
During a practical exercise at a police training academy, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
The student replied. "BIG ones."
....

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that
means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
................................
An older man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer
asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asked Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night.
Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" said Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer said, "Sam, listen, you are 80 years old
and your eye sight is probably pretty bad. Just how far
can you see at night?"

Sam quickly replied, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

..................
Once some burgulars broke out in the bank, one of them pointing the gun at the teller. He said, "Give me all your
money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The teller laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burgular answered, "Don't change the subject."

.........
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob Bank of America, walked into thedowntown branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup.
Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,
surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup
note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK"
and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting
in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read
it anyway.
..........
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put
the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he
wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it
in th e bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, because I
don't believe you are over 21.
"The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it
to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took
his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The
clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the
store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave
the name and address of the robber that he got o ff the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his
partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't
need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit
the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems
the liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event
was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.
Give him his sign.
..................
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a
man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A. M.,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because
he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When
the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast.

The man, frustrated, walked away.
.................
The old panhandler living in New York hears that his brother is very sick in Los Angeles. By working day and night for a week he is able to beg enough to buy his airplane ticket. He arrives at JFK Airport, goes to the ticket counter, and plunks down all the money.

The clerk at the counter counts it and says to the man,

"I'm sorry sir, but you're a nickel short."

The panhandler tells the clerk that he'll be right back. He runs out in front of the terminal and stops the first man he sees.

"Mister, can you let me have a nickel, so I can get to California?"

1-A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car
and a delivery truck from a large, international company were
involved. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the
driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

And the driver says, "I won't know until my lawyer gets here?"

2- The sheriff of a small town was also the town's vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

3.How do you spell relief?
A robber in Minnesota habitually asked for Rolaids from
the store clerks he held up. When the police captured him
and asked why he did this, he replied that it was to relieve
the stress he got from committing the crimes.
4-6. Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the
brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your
emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only
two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Darn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an
asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having
trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

Myths, Headlines and Being Busy and Good

Myth? Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers. It is usually a condition of their parole. Feel better now?
.........
When a fully-loaded tractor-trailer overturned near the small city, the local newspaper ran a photo of the rig and 48,000 pounds of lumber strewn across the roadway. The caption read:
"How much wood can a wood truck chuck?"
................
The detective was leafing through the suspect's cime history folder.
"Hmmm, quite a record." he said. "Shoplifting, hit-and-run,
disorderly conduct, armed robbery, sexual assault, sexual assault,
rape, manslaughter..."
"Yeah, I know." said the prisoner. "It took me quite a while to
figure out what I was good at."

May 5th Mourning, Preventive Maintenance & Postal Pix

Mayonnaise Loss-Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York....The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost.... The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery....were disconsolate at the loss....

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day....

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th....
and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo....
1-Queenstown Lakes District Council in New Zealand has moved to prohibit brothels on
hovercraft. No there is not a problem with hovering brothels in the Otago, New Zealand, area, but they wanted to be sure there weren't ways of circumventing the bylaw" by
adding hovercraft to the list of vehicles where brothels are prohibited. Note that they can still go down in submarines.


2.Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do ... write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while
they deliver the mail?

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