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As I take this brief respite from the arduous campaign trail, I want to reflect back on my life and how I chose to run my campaign so you all have a chance to get to know me on an a more personal level. I am a member of the Planning and Zoning Commission. Since being appointed I have missed several meetings, I have argued, bickered and insulted the other members of the commission and the city employees. I told them they were unethical, I told them they had no integrity and I had to remind them of their oath of office. I told them that it would crush Pickerington?’s economy if we allowed only three colors on signs rather then unlimited. I told them that such a restriction may cause pizza shops, pharmacies and coffee shops to relocate to the township and Pickerington would die. (Thanks to Doug Parker for giving me that idea)
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. I was afforded the best education possible in this impoverished area. I was handed everything and had to work for nothing. I am proud to be part of the American Dream. I am VP of a food stand that is coming soon to a food court near you. My experiences as VP and my privileged upbringing qualify me to not only know without asking if you want fries with that, but also how to properly run this city.
I want to be on council because of the bad decisions made by the former council. While I also claim to be the campaign manager for this former council, they still make bad decisions. While one candidate quit the race during my tenure as manager and had to be talked back into running and others disassociated themselves with me, I can still lay claim to being their managers. I was still able to drive around at night with a buddy, a 12-pack, a carton of smokes and put out signs for them. Hey, being campaign manager means doing the dirty work, too.
Based on my limitless experience as a campaign manager, I felt it was an excellent strategy to open my campaign with a personal attack on the honorable Messers Wright and Sabatino. Although I expect retaliation for my continuing barrage against them, they must fear me because they have not said a word against me instead focusing on attacks against elected officials not even running this time. Boy, do I have them whipped. They don?’t even know who they?’re running against! I continue to state that they are still making decisions that are bad for the community. I base those statements on no facts whatsoever, because I don?’t go to council or committee meetings. I base those statements purely on conjecture and speculation and because it is a tried and true campaign tactic.
read on. there's more, of course.
By Jeffy Fix-it
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More of ME
I do not attend those meetings simply because I don?’t have the time to spend on them. I am on the County Republican Executive Committee. That is to further my political aspirations. Certainly you don?’t believe that I will settle for this simple council seat do you? I am destined for greatness. I also am the current, former and in between president of the magnificent Republican Club of NW Fairfield County. Under my leadership, more members have quit than joined. Who needs them anyway? What we have left are extremely loyal and obedient drones that support me unconditionally. You?’ll see them out with me campaigning. Just yell REAGAN RULES out your window and you?’ll see them salivate. Don?’t ask about Taft, Noe or any of the other stellar R?’s we love though. We treat them more like unruly children who we shake our fingers at because they caused no real harm. Don?’t ask about MacCauliffe or DeMastry and my ties to them. Foxy will get mad at us. Don?’t ask about our ethics of our endorsement process. We are in the process of belatedly modifying our constitution and bylaws to cover up (strike that), I mean JUSTIFY our seeking out and endorsing non-republicans. They must be republicans in their hearts.
I am the Executive Director, CEO, CFO, MBA, PHD and Grand Poobah of the county effort to elect Betty Montgomery our next governor. That is a story in itself. I screwed over a bunch of friends pretending to be in their camp before I announced I was ?“Betty?’s guy?”. I increased my political worth for Betty after I had gotten the Blackwell county campaign?’s strategies to deliver. Anyway, Betty has promised me a corner office in the Governor?’s Mansion when she gets elected. I know, I know, you have heard that Betty will bow out of the race before the Primary. Not to worry. Any deal she makes with the State Party and either Petro or Blackwell will center on me. I AM THE PRIZE.
I could go on and on about all my extracurricular activities, including the hundreds of hours I spend at PYAA, but you get the idea. I simply do not have enough time for petty council issues, but I am a delegator. I will begin to attend all meetings by proxy. I will have all my little minions from my club attend and report back to me. A political asset such as myself cannot be everywhere at once. I have to choose my place and time and especially who I am seen with.
Let me wrap up this little glimpse into my life by first telling you how lucky you are to have had me share with you. You are lucky I am running for council and you are lucky that I exist and acknowledge you. You are lucky I have the salesmanship, political connections and savvy to represent you.
Now let?’s talk briefly about my opponents. They are like those little gnats that get right in your face. Isn?’t that annoying? I haven?’t named O?’Brien much as an opponent in my campaign writings. Why, you ask? Simple ?– beating him is a slam dunk. He fits my plan to a tee. Like everything else I have accomplished in my glorious life, someone had to come before me to do all the work so I could enter at the last minute and take all the credit. Thanks Mitch for all your efforts over the last two years. You have done a great job but I can take it from here, buddy. Thanks for starting my little republican club but I don?’t need you in it any more. Thanks for helping in the county party effort but we don?’t need you any more.
keep going. you love me...
By Jeffy
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More of ME
I mentioned in my profile in the Times-Sun ?“My opponents, particularly those who are non-incumbents, certainly don?’t have the political background and experience?….?” Certainly, I said. You certainly don?’t have what I have. I can sell holy water to the Pope. I can sell oil to Arabs. I can sell anything and I can sell you out on this election. I can pretend to be on your side. After all, aren?’t YOUR friends also MY friends? (wink, wink) You don?’t have what it takes to be on council. You are not a politician! I am. This is what this is all about here in Pickerington. Politics! Pickerington needs politicians. Say it with me folks, ?“Politicians for Pickerington!?” Yeah, baby, that feels gooood, now doesn?’t it?
While I didn?’t name these opponents in the paper, I?’ll name them now. Kramer, Hammond and Smith. I read your silly little campaign brochures and I listened to your silly little drivel at the candidate?’s breakfast. You simply want to serve the citizens. That ain?’t good enough boys and girls. You have to be a politician. What part of that don?’t you understand? P-O-L-I-T-I-C-I-A-N. The little people in Pickerington don?’t want someone to represent them; they want someone who can make them promises. By the way, thanks for putting out your campaign brochures early. They gave me something to use for material in mine. Oh, before I forget, thanks also for your little website www.Together4Pickerington.com. That was a gold mine for building mine and even your name was catchy so I aped it, too.
Wright and Sabatino? What more can I say? I have blasted you both since the July 4th parade. Fortunately for you, you haven?’t responded to my personal attacks. Mind your manners boys. Work with me and not against me and there will still be a future for you in the city. I will be able to appoint you to boards and commissions and let you still have a voice. I owe Brian Fox at least that much for his years of behind-the-scenes mentoring. You know us politicians, we all owe favors.
Since I am in such a magnanimous mood this morning I?’ll share one last thought with you. I know you appreciate it. I think it is time we convene a city charter review board. I will chair it. The reason is quite simple and I know you will appreciate me doing this for you. I don?’t think we need seven councilmen and a mayor. I think I can handle it. I also don?’t think there should be elections after I win this one. Like I said, I can handle running this city so let?’s dispense with all the clutter in council chambers. The mayor and councilmen are giving me the help I need to get elected but I won?’t really need them after. I can handle things quite well on my own. I can always have my little club pals fill in where needed like they do now.
One last thing, just to save you time and earn your vote. I know you will count, as I always do, the number of times I use the word ?“I?” in my communications with those in my realm so I?’ll let you in on a little secret, I have customized my computer to count the number of times to make sure I meet my quota. I have used the word I 107 times.
Rest assured Pickerington and sleep well tonight, for I am all that. I will save this city. (whoops, now that?’s 109)
By Jeffy
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Candidate questions
Well Jiffy Fix-it, maybe you can answer a couple of questions to get your ?“I?” quota today.
1. Do you think it is ethical behavior to exert undue partisan influence in a nonpartisan race?
2. Do you think it is ethical behavior to interject partisanship into a slate of candidates that is clearly of mixed partisanship or nonpartisanship?
3. Do you thing it is ethical behavior to exert partisan political influence over non-republican candidates in an election just so you would have the appearance of running on a slate?
4. Did you get the concurrence of the County Republican Chairman in your misuse/abuse of the party name before you did it?
5. Did you get the concurrence of the state campaign chairman to elect Betty Montgomery in your misuse/abuse of the party name before you did it?
6. Did you get the concurrence of the state Republican Chairman in your misuse/abuse of the party name before you did it?
As to questions 4, 5 and 6, official inquiries have been with the named individuals mentioned to corroborate what is believed will be your ?“Of course I did?” answer.
Thank you in advance for your timely response. As to my ?“I?” quota for today, aside from references to you, it was easy to speak intelligently without it. Try it sometime.
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